A bunch of friends and I were sitting around watching old videos that featured me about two, three years ago. The “me” back then was this lanky girl: wearing bows, skinny jeans, a pair of running shoes or white Jordans, and insanely long hair. I watched, laughing, at how I used to be. I was silly, I was happy, I was different.
After reminiscing on the videos and walking to my car with my friend, they were commenting on how everyone was back then, including me.
“Yo! Everyone looks SOOOO different. So many people gained weight over the years or changed their appearance. Even you! You looked so hot back then. What happened with your old high schooler get up style???”
Pause. Excuse me? Back then? What is that supposed to mean.
The comment threw me off but I did not say anything. I just thought to myself about the me back then.
The “me” back then was hungry, lonely, stressed out, struggling, and sick.
I was hungry because I never ate a lot since I was so afraid of getting a relapse from too much salt. I was lonely because my boyfriend at the time moved back to San Diego and he was so far away, I was stressed out because Architecture was being a bitch, I was struggling because I had an position on the executive board for our Filipino club, and I was sick, mentally and physically battling depression and trying to stay healthy. My physique may have looked good, but with what was going on, I was not completely happy.
That does not mean I did not love who I was. Despite all the bullshit that was happening in my life I still was able to accomplish a great deal of things and pretty much survive. I loved my personality back then despite the negativity. Yes, to this day I still miss my long hair and I miss being able to fit in my skinny jeans. However I have come to love myself today.
Today I have short hair, a little heavier build, and a changed heart. I do not look like how I was back then, but I love how I look now.
I eat more, I work out often, I am realizing my true passions and what I want to do. I’m happier. A lot of stuff has happened definitely, and aspects of my body do reflect these changes. You won’t find me wearing skinny jeans, but instead mom jeans with the cuffs folded on the bottom. You won’t find me wearing bows in my hair because I’m always on the go and have little time to fix my hair. You can find stretch marks on my waist and my legs from the improvement in my kidneys. You’ll find a little big of pudge in some areas due to eating regularly and more often. My hair is growing back because it’s definitely something I want back. Lastly, you’ll see me with a brighter smile because I’m mending my wounds and I’m looking towards a brighter future.
I look fucking amazing.
With that being said, thank the haters. Thank those people who tell you that you looked hot or better before because you know what you’re amazing then and you’re still amazing now. You do not need that affirmation about how bomb.com you look. You are an ongoing work of beauty. There are aspects in your life people do not know about that got you to where you are now. They don’t know these bits and pieces of your life that make up you, only you do.
So thank you, dude. I don’t know if that comment was implying that I don’t look good now, but thank you for acknowledging the beauty of my past, and feeling blessed with my future.