[Excerpt from my diary]
I wrote something. I know it’s been awhile, but I hope one day you will read this, and it will make sense.
In the years that I have walked this earth, I have learned a lot about love.
Love is like a lot of different analogies and similes that I could write up on the spot and think it all makes sense. That’s bullshit.
Love is not meant to be understood or make sense.
It’s meant to be accepted.
I have gone, for the most part and what I believe, to hell and back.
I have gone through the smallest moments, of a boy telling me simply saying no.
All the way to having me not love myself, enough that I voluntarily and involuntarily chosen to take my own life.
I don’t know how to tell you what is on my mind at this moment. I don’t know how to take the tangled up mess of ideas, lessons, and thoughts that come to my mind. I don’t know how to translate my foreign language that only a handful of me’s could understand, but I wish I could tell you this.
I went on a date today, exciting right?
That’s what I thought too.
I thought that, maybe today is the day. Maybe today is the day that changes things. Yes, it is the most cliche line in the book and we as human beings try to convince ourselves that large events that we see coming up are the ones that claim to the pivotal moment of our lives.
I’ll tell you now, that today was just a small part of what I could call the most pivotal moment of my life.
Being turning a new age, implying I would like to make it to that age (but only the universe knows what will happen in the next few months), I would like to say my mind has been changing in small proportions. Only enough to realize so far that holy shit, if x hasn’t happened, then y would not have happened, and z would not be here today. Obviously life goes on much longer than the span of the alphabet, but I would hope you get the picture.
I honestly do not know what to tell you. You as an individual are entitled to your own opinion and the ideas, concepts, formulas that are conceived in your mind are a result and you can only perceive as much as the next human being that reads this excerpt.
But anyways, back to the date.
He was great.
He is someone that, after the past three dates, I thought, there may be something special here.
This fourth date, my mind, my body, and my heart, said no.
And I think I have done the same to you. All for the same or similar reason.
In the past few weeks I have been speaking to a number of people. People whom I confide in, who I trust, who I know will give me an insight, even the smallest bit of information or the tiniest gesture.
I always say a number of items to explain how I operate as a human being, including the fact my father tried to drag me out of the house after I spoke about my first boyfriend, the boy who took my trust and used it to his advantage to try to get away with his antics, the mother who told me to speak my mind when she couldn’t even do it herself, the friend who blamed me for a lot of the worst moments of their life, and the friend who left me after I tried the unthinkable. I have realized something, and it’s something that I have been trying to wrap around my head unconsciously for a lot of my life and consciously for the past four hours since I left that great guy to head back to his car.
I’m scared of love.
I’m scared to love.
I’m scared to be loved.
I kind of already know what you’re thinking.
Oh well everyone is but you should take a chance on it.
You don’t know till you try.
What are you talking about, you’re the most loving person I know.
Now what if I told you that was just a small portion. The tip of the whipped cream on the highest portion of the cake? That everything you have seen from me thus far is just me opening the peephole of my castle and you are only exposed to my eyes.
This castle wasn’t that tall, this thick, this built, or this heavily guarded before. Before it was just a small house that I used to reside in and let people come and go as they please.
Then it got to a point where people had to knock in order for me to unlock the door and let them in.
Then it progressed to people just waiting outside to see if i would even come out.
And over the nights, I would build my castle.
The experiences I lived through, I would build my walls higher and higher, enlist more guards to walk the halls, the walls, and stand by the gate.
I did so much unconsciously and consciously, that when I finally took a step back, I saw my fear take a physical form.
The way I would interact with people now versus the way I would interact with people then, there’s a similarity and there is a difference. I cannot fully explain the difference nor could I fully explain the similarity.
All I know is that the end result is that it is very difficult for me to accept and deliver love.
I keep forcing myself to love. I keep trying to tape on, glue on, or even staple a smile on my face and a heart on my chest in hopes that it is real for me and real for you.
I don’t know what it is.
People ask and search for a solution, hoping that it will materialize itself and just make sense.
And that’s where I am left to wonder: does love have a solution, or will it one day, when we do accept it, make sense.
I also am left to wonder: how many more of these small portions of pivotal moments are there left for me to see things really change in my life.
I’m sorry I put you through reading this.
But there is this one line that always comes to mind
“The body has it easy.” The mind doesn’t.
I feel like I don’t make sense, but if you’ll turn the next page and the page after, hopefully it’ll make sense.