i’m so tired… by Lauv & Troye Sivan

(Some parts of this writing incorporates thoughts from a diary entry on January 9, 2019)

Hey, it’s been awhile.

I’m just going to let my mind wander free right now with no restrictions and just kind of…I guess talk to you.

I miss you.

There’s so much uncertainty with my immediate future, my long term future, and even my present. It’s a constant battle every day if I should even talk to someone about it.

I almost cried during a meeting the other day.

During the meeting, we began with talking about our peaks and our valleys in our life right now: our highs and our lows. Oddly enough, I was the last one to speak, not by choice, but because that’s how all of us were sitting and I was in the last chair.

When my time came, I took notice of how much I was thinking about my answers as I spoke. I didn’t want to share too much detail because I felt suspicious and very superstitious. As much as possible, I just spoke about the things that are for sure happening in my life. I talked about Coachella, how I’m attending that and found a way to attend. I talked about how the holidays were really nice for once and I felt a lot of things come full circle. Then when I started my valleys…I choked. I was sitting there thinking of everything I wanted to say and everything I couldn’t say…and I was on the verge of breaking down right there at the meeting. What stopped me was reminding myself: “Hey, this is not the time. This is not the place. Remember where you are and what you want to get out at the end of this meeting.” And so I talked about uncertainty. How a lot of things in my life are uncertain right now and I don’t know what is in store for me in the next three months, next month, next week, or even tomorrow. One part of my life could be looking to head in one direction and then completely do a 180 and go the other way any second now. And I stopped there with my valleys because I knew if I went more into detail, I’d be a mess and a huge rain cloud would be over my head for the rest of the day. I talked about how uncertainty terrifies me.

Part of me was holding back because I didn’t know if anyone was ready for what I had to say, or had the mental capacity to. Part of me was also holding back because I need to constantly remind myself that I’m stronger than I think. Whatever struggles I’m facing right now, they’re all temporary because I know for a damn fact that I have gone through worse. I know they can’t give me an answer, and they can only tell me so much if we ever do talk.

But now…it’s getting easier to breath these days I think. Since that meeting, life has been pretty interesting and has taken a complete turn. It’s only been the first month of the friggen year and it’s not even over yet.

If you have listened to this new song by Lauv and Troye Sivan, you’ll know that this song is a heartbreak song about the inescapable person. I find it funny how Lauv manages to always, without fail, make songs that bring me back or relate to something that’s happening or happened in my life. This song made me think of where I was at this time of the year one year ago, even two, three years ago in comparison to now.

Is it weird…that I’m kind of scared for the month of April though? April is decision month for me in terms of graduate school and I’m kind of terrified of what I will end up deciding depending on the acceptances or rejections I receive.

I feel like I’m just getting settled back into a normal routine and maybe in the next week or two, God’s just going to decide to shake up my world with x, y, and z. Well, considering everything that has happened in this past month, He shook up my world quite a bit.

I can’t help but be grateful for my support system though. My friends and my family have been walking by my side for the past few months and have been extremely understanding of where I am at. I also started my search for a new therapist with my doctors. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family that allow me to vent, but at the same time I want to become more confident in taking care of myself. I knew I was going to need someone to professionally guide me through all the changes I’m going to experience in this next year of my life wherever I decide to attend graduate school. Talking to someone definitely helped me during my undergraduate journey, and I don’t want my graduate school years to be with stress I don’t know how to professionally manage. 

Well, this is all I have right now without too many spoilers.
Will keep you posted as the weeks go by.



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