“Is this heaven, or Armageddon?” – Free Spirit, Khalid
I read back on my last RELEASE and holy cow have things taken a turn.
The last time we caught up, there was a lot of uncertainty in my life, and I didn’t know where I wanted to go or where I was meant to go.
The biggest uncertainty I had at the beginning of January was about my career and my job. I was working two jobs, both part time, since August. I thought it was great and my life settled for a little. The amount of money that was coming in was nice for me to go do things that made me happy, like traveling to the East Coast twice. However, when the new year began, my position in my alma mater was coming to an end and my position at the other college started having that ‘temporary vs. permanent’ and ‘what happens when I go to graduate school’ conversation. Meaning: I was facing the possibility of not having a job by the end of January. Luckily and long story short, I was blessed with a new opportunity to have a position change from a student worker to a part time professional staff member. Yay to not being jobless!!!
The second biggest uncertainty I had was where I was meant to go to college. The last time I shared my life with ya’ll, I actually got notice from two colleges about acceptances: Penn State and UC Los Angeles. This threw me over the moon before and after my trip to the east coast. About two weeks later, I found out I got accepted to the University of Southern California. So the month of February and beginning of March was non-stop preparing for interviews, attending preview days, and playing the waiting game to hear back from all the schools I applied to, acceptances or denials, and if I would receive any assistantship/internship offers. I’m going to write some posts regarding my graduate school process, but I will tell you this right now: everything has come full circle, and I’m still in disbelief. I’m still reveling in my success and soaking in the sun, but I know I have to bury my head in writing again because graduate school is EXPENSIVE.
I’ve gotten a lot better in expressing myself. Thankfully, I am slowly but surely working on being more transparent with those around me and those involved in my life. I’m learning more and more on how to take time and how to care for myself when there are so many things going on at the same time and THEN take a break. I haven’t been writing lately and I feel like it is due to the fact I have become more invested in being in the moment. It’s not a bad thing, but at the same time I wish I was actively writing out my thoughts and what has been happening. I catch myself thinking though: “Damn…I wish I can share this with you…but right now, I can’t, and that’s okay.” I have found peace in a lot of areas of my life.
This part of my life…I can honestly say I’m still coping and understanding and navigating. There’s friendships…or I guess, people I used to be friends with (???) that…I don’t know.
I put out a tweet the other day: “Tfw you wanna hang out with everyone but you don’t have time for everyone.” I think back to a few years ago, I’d be so butt-hurt when people didn’t have time to hang out and I’d feel so lonely. Thankfully now, it’s not the case and I get it. We all are going through it, we all have stuff we’re dealing with simultaneously and we need to take care of ourselves at the same time. The past three months and the months to come, I’ve been working on reaching out to people that I have not hung out with in awhile. I don’t care if it’s days, weeks, or months till we hang out next. If I say we’re going to hang out, we’re going to hang out…eventually. It’s a two way street of patience.
What makes it also an interesting mix is the fact that I have started dating someone. We’ve been talking since November, going out since January, and I love him, he’s amazing. Our dynamic is good and although I wish I can see him every day, it’s actually nice that I only see him once or twice a week. It helps with the existing relationships in my life and his life. He reminds me that my life doesn’t revolve around one person or one thing. There are other parts of my life that are just as important and priorities change constantly. He reminds me if you’re serious about someone, dedicated to someone, loyal to and love someone, there’s no hourglass, no timer, no time limit, no expiration date.
I’ve been thinking about my blog lately and I love it, but it’s frustrating when I try to keep to a regular schedule like I used to. With keeping a regular schedule, I feel like down the road I’d turn into those people who just put out stuff that is ‘whatever’ just to meet their deadline. Now that I’ll be starting graduate school in August; my blog, my diary, my moments recorded, they’re just a rolling basis. I know some things or topics may be time sensitive, but I want to develop my intentions for writing and put out work that not only records what’s happening in my life, but translates my thoughts into well-written prose with purpose.
The first three months of 2019 were extremely busy. I feel like these months were a foreshadowing of what my life could potentially be when I do start school. I feel like time is slowing down a lot, but also speeding up in the background. April, May, and June are expected to be months of wrapping up things in a nice bow and unpacking things to start new projects.
Thanks for catching up with me :’) I appreciate you.